domingo, 24 de junho de 2012
I can't even say what I feel anymore because I don't actually know. I fell for you, I fell so deeply that I don't know me anymore. You conquered my heart with your smile and your laugh and that sweet look you usually have. You conquered my soul with your kindness and your words. What can I say? I'm in love. You made me feel in love with you before you tear me apart, before you break my heart and your promisses, two things that should never be broken. I can't make you love me the way I do, I can't make you stay with me if you don't want to. I just feel lost, like I don't know anything but the fact that no one can start a new chapter in life if they keep re-reading the last one. I can't stop re-reading. I can't stop reminding everything we've been through and everything we said, looking for the answer. When did all started to fall apart? Why didn't I noticed before? The point is that everything changed. I don't know why or when and I don't know what I did wrong. I just know you're not mine anymore, that we won't finish our together list, that we won't talk 'til the sun rise, we won't do anything we promissed to do together. And that thought, that frightening thought, is killing me inside. I can't stop thinking about you and how I miss you, how I miss us. And I knowthis is over but I can't stop crying all night, you were my rainbow after the storm, you were the one I never wanted to lose. And now I lost you, or you lost me, it's the same. Any of those options leave me with you. I just don't know what I did wrong. Could you just tell me? Could you just tell me what's wrong with me? Why am I not good enough? Why everything collapsed? I just needed some answer so I know what to feel, what to change, who to be. Because I don't really know who I am anymore, I just know that I'm not the one I was before I met you and that I need you to explain to me what happened before I can find myself and move on.
quarta-feira, 14 de março de 2012
A whole new cloud of smoke enters the room. I watch it fade away until I make a new one. One after another, I realise I can't stop. Those little tubes of pleasure don't take the pain away, but somehow they seem to calm her down for a while. That's why I can't stop, the pain will go back, the tears will start running again. I prefer to hold quiet and pretend I'm just tired than showing the world my true feelings. It is too hard to explain my sadness; hearing the story will only make it more real and it hurts, it hurts knowing that my heart is broken, that it was broke by someone who didn't even think twice about breaking it.. But what hurts the most is knowing that that person made me feel alive once upon a time, made my heart beat. And then.. The pain is back. I light up another cigarette and finally pleasure, peace.