terça-feira, 18 de junho de 2013
There are moments in life when you feel empty, when you feel like nothing, just a big cloud waling around, with no expression, no feelings, not even a face or a name. When you acumulate too many feelings, too many tears, too many pain, you feel like that. You act like a big stone, like nothing afects you while you're breaking apart inside. And the worst part is when you know you can't take it anymore, but you keep a smile in your face and your head held high. You walk and smile like nothing is wrong but inside there's just a big emptiness eroding you. There is no ground to hold you, no air to breath, no glue to keep you together, no strength to keep you fighting, no one around you even though you're surrounded, no voice to let you scream, no hope to make you believe. In the mirror, you only see a huge failure, someone that can't hold it inside but doesn't want to let it all out, someone that lives his life in a zombie mode, someone whose smile lost his varacity a long time ago, someone whose life has no purpose but with no courage to end it. What kind of life is this one? Is it worth it? But you promisse yourself to be strong, to keep fighting every single day, to keep living, even if it's a crappy life where you're tired of living, where you are trapped in your thoughts, hate and frustrations about yourself. What to do? Just wake up every morning hoping it's going to be a better day. And if it's not, go to sleep and the next day wake up with the same attitude. There's nothing else to do but survive instead of living.
terça-feira, 11 de junho de 2013
Everything ended a while ago. He left her without a reason or an explanation. She didn’t know how to feel or what to think. She thought it was her, something she had done wrong but how would she know? He was ignoring her, pretending they didn’t even knew each other. It has summer, at least she could be out, she could be with her friends and try to forget he was ever in her life. But that didn’t happen. She kept asking herself for months what she had done wrong, what in her was wrong. She never found an answer so she tried to move on. When she thought she was cured, ready to start a new life with new thoughts and attitude, there he was. His eyes were in her direction, she knew he was looking at her so she stopped. She blocked and didn’t know how to react. The last time she saw him had been three months before. She had forgotten how penetrating his eyes where, how his hair was molded in perfectly shaped curls, how his smile made her melt in a second. He seemed fine, unlike her. His eyes sparkled like she had never seen them do while hers had huge dark circles from the nights crying. He smiled like he was happy, while her mouth never left the straight form from the sadness that was corrupting her from within. She felt like a piano had fallen in her so she look down to try to control her tears. In the ground she saw her heart, broken in a million little pieces. But she raised her head, no one had the right to bring her down. She was broken inside, but no one could see that, she kept smiling while crying within. She knew she was falling off a big cliff but she didn’t show it. She took a deep breath and started walking, passing through him and pretending she didn’t think of him every second of every minute of every day since he left, pretending he was nothing to her, pretending that she remained strong after he left, pretending she was happy even though he wasn’t a part of her life.
She starts thinking what went wrong this time. She thinks about herself, about how she isn't pretty or fun, about how she isn't hot or smart, about how she has nothing worth having. He left, leaving her with her broken heart in her hands. Yes, she was broken. She was broken because she believed and loved with every piece of her heart and soul. She was broken because she knew that she was going to cry and miss him like he would never do. She must have something wrong, it has to be all her fault. She tolerated lies and indifference, she even resisted to the fact that sometimes she was a back-up plan. She did everything she could, but nothing made him stay. He left anyway without looking back, where she remained alone with her tears. She knew it would heal, but the scar will continue there. She tried to be happy alone, but somehow she always felt an empty space. She needed to feel loved so that she could move on, so that she could like herself for who she was. But that time seemed to never come. She smiles like nothing is wrong, pretends everything is all right, acts like it's all perfect in her life. But deep down she knows that that is not true, that inside she is broken, that no matter how hard she tries to convince herself that she's fine, she's not. She isolates herself in her bedroom, listening to loud music and gripping her pillow, hating herself more every second. She hates herself for so many reasons. One of them is never being good enough. She falls asleep, crying once again, with the hate growing inside her without any way to stop it.